Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Remembered and Celebrated

Source Elizabeth Gilbert facebook page
If you haven't seen her TED talk about being a creative person
drop everything and spend the next 20min being enlightened HERE

the amazing sunset
I did something different this year and asked the Barren to join me on the anniversary of our first loss
to have a moment of quiet or reflection...
to just take a moment of the day together
and think of the little person that never manifested into a breathing being.
He of course agreed, and we took a sunset drive and ended up having dinner in a neighboring city to get away from the house.
The sunset did not disappoint and with the warm wind and sea air it felt as though we were cleansed.
I had taken time earlier that day to sit and meditate, it helped a lot to center my emotions and sit them into a more blissful state...sorrow seemed to be wrong choice and when I started to cry I found I was laughing as well. It was amazing and radiant.
We spent time talking quietly and toasting the ones that could not be with us.
I drank too much to drive and spent the car ride home in a marshmallow of thoughts and giggles.
We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary (22 years together) two days later.
What a wild ride it has been with this amazing man.
When we woke up on our anniversary, I asked the Barren if it felt like 12years,
he said no, it just feels like it has always been like this.
We have always been together.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?
I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.
I don't care if it is real or makes me laugh.
This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.
I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being is scary I have become that woman.
I should wear my pointed hat on the next
This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:
As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 
"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:
Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.
So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.
Comfort in numbers I guess.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Red is the color of power

OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.
I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.
I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.

I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.
I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.

Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.
I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.
This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago; 
I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.

I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.
Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.

I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.
It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"
What is the image we can hold on to?!
I went quiet in my mind.
I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.
I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.
My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...
(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)
A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.

After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.
On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again, 
I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.
I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!
What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?
I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.

Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud. 
I learned this when I was preparing for surgery. 
Buddhists laugh in face of fear, as it reduces the power of the fear.
I call it out. I say it out loud....
If I say it enough it becomes mine again.
I deserve success, 
I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.
I am good enough for this

I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.
Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I have been two places and I fear that I am at the stage that I need a push...
I am tired and making lists like there is no tomorrow...when I get overwhelmed I start dropping things...literally and metaphorically. So lists help me feel less chaotic.
I have a hair cut appointment tomorrow in a feeble attempt of self care.
I only get my hairs cut maybe twice a year as I find it to be a decadence, 
one I can often overlook and choose car oil changes instead.
My grandmothers would go weekly, my mother gets her hair person to come to her home monthly 
to color and cut her hair.
I am a low maintenance kinda girl with dreams of being a fancier girl.
Every 6-8 months I go crazy and buy some new makeup that almost always ends up living its life in a bin under the sink because I either try it once and freak out that I have makeup on, or chicken out or forget about it. I keep the makeup next to the hairdryer and curling iron...two other rarely used tools.
I bought red lipstick today...
I read that it subconsciously makes people (including the wearer) believe that you are powerful :
I adore this woman!

I am feeling anxious and nervous about this upcoming exhibition.
I have a comfortable dress, and shoes for standing long periods of time on hard surfaces. 
I have a room that I can crash in after the event it over and I don't have to drive for hours afterwards. 
In the middle of the preparations from afar I am feeling less than confident... 
you know, the whole question your abilities, your drive, your reason...
and so I thought I would try out the red lipstick theory.
It feels comfortable but it is arresting to see crimson on my lips. 
I am wearing it now in fact, in a strange way I think that if I can wear it and forget about it, I can ease into the idea that it is not such a foreign part of me and I can pull it off for opening night.You know?!
I am thankful that I am still a risk taker, even if the risks seem small and silly

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

daily reminder

Not to diminish the daily toll of infertility, 
but to remember that you are not meant to struggle 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Things seem

OK, how could I resist this image?! 
It is creepy and so funny at the same time, and quite frankly sounds like a lot of fun!

Things seem to be back on track of sorts.
I have a tight deadline ahead of me, as I am in a three woman show that opens in about two weeks.
In fact, right now I am suppose to be making the last pieces, but instead I felt compelled to be here.
Reading your blogs and procrastinating.
I think it is what I do under pressure, add more pressure!
I worked until midnight last night and finished some work this am after breakfast.
This next week and a half will be framing and label preparations...
The venue is several hours away, so I need to be REALLY prepared as I can not simply grab something from home if something is forgotten. I think that freaks me into procrastination a little.
I have gotten a shitload of administration things done in the last week which has allowed me to relax into this next week and a half...haha relax...and I am so relaxed that eye twitch is really just an involuntary wink.

A massage from my mate sounds like just the ticket.

I am eating pretty well, trying to get real sleep and doing my practice
My second job is a little less intense, and as the year winds out...
I have a second deadline in place once this show is hung.
Which allows for my wheel to keep spinning, my plates can keep swirling and I can keep staring at the sky.

I did catch a little bit of a movie the other night, while procrastinating...
You know, andy warhol use to say everything is potential inspiration:
FEBRUARY 1, 2010 Warhol Photos Distributed Across Nation
From the Associated Press
"Andy Warhol kept boxes upon boxes of soup cans, receipts, fan mail and many other items, including thousands of photos he later used as inspiration for his giant paintings. Now more than 180 colleges and university museums, and galleries around the nation are benefiting. The New York City-based Andy Warhol Foundation for the Visual Arts has donated to them more than 28,500 of Warhol's photos, worth $28 million."
By Carrie Antlfinger

I am gonna steal that and stop calling what I do procrastination, but instead research
yep, I was researching on the couch the other night....I caught a little bit of this movie:
It had John Cusack in it and I am a sucker for him, plus it was quirky funny.
The parts that made me giggle were all her realizations about bring creative/writer/artist and the reality associated with them. It was entertaining and kept me up later than I should have been and I didn't get to see the beginning or I can say the middle part was good, and that is really the meat of a mediocre film. 
I would like to see the whole thing, regardless

So today, today I am doing less research and more work...really
I better get to it now the daylight is ticking away

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Let's start again.... via
Put you in a better mood

This little GIF makes me smile, so I wanted to start with that.

I realize that my last post was a bitch, not mean, just bitchy...
I am working hard to move past it and let it go.
Things around here are intense,stressful and in general, thick.
The Barren and I are on different schedules and it makes life during the week strange.
We are often like two ships crossing paths, so by Friday it is more like..."Hi you're cute, wanna have dinner with me and chat? Then maybe we can have a drink and a roll in the sack before the next week arrives and we are strangers again?"
Works ( I used that on purpose, as I have two jobs) is intense too....
one has been an exercise in patience and careful footsteps. 
The other is a never ending cycle of positive affirmations and small steps.
By the time I get out from one and arrive at the other I am exhausted and it is an uphill battle to stay moving.

Practice is still three times a week, and it helps tremendously with my mental health and willingness to sleep.
This morning was a series of heart openers and after we were done I just wanted to sit and cry for an hour...but alas the works were calling and I had to just keep moving.
I have a bottle of wine in the fridge that I plan to partake in with dinner tonight...
well not the whole bottle but at least a glass!

A lot of good things are bubbling and that is good, thing is, when things are good it all comes at once and I am getting really good at storing those good times to keep me going when things are quieter or not as good.
I have been seeing "list three positives" lists appear all over social media and it is interesting to see what people list...So I thought I would try the same...
Aside from the obvious things I find quite positive, like, I woke up, I am breathing, I am in love, I have clean water to drink and food to eat and I am healthy...

* No one I know died this week! so that is good, really good
*I got a baby shower invite and I am waiting to respond, I am gonna feel this one out
* I am able to heal. I smashed my foot and lost a chunk of my toe and sliced open my finger yesterday all before 5am, today I have a scab on my thumb and my toe is working on the same.

I feel badly that my last post seemed like a downer...I am feeling alright, fragile at times but really OK
I seem to be spending a lot of time recently worrying about other people and that gets hard after a while.
So I guess that is something else I need to back off on, worrying doesn't change things
and I want things to change not know?!