Thursday, April 07, 2016

Day Three

My bestie got a residency here and is going to be gone for almost a month.....
out of range and texting and distractions.
I am thrilled for her, and I know she will excel with the time away from family responsibilities and work drama. She needs this time, her artwork needs this time.

It is only day three,
 and I am finding myself and the inability to connect with her at any time challenging.
We normally text each other everyday
I spoke with her the night before she left and wished her well and told her to have a super fun time!
Inside I was crying, and it felt like when we were headed to different colleges.
I will miss her greatly, but can not wait to see what she makes while away.

The Barren took me into the big city to see an exhibition I had been dreaming of seeing since I was a was a good distraction and inspiring and offered some real time with him.
Such beautiful, moving work

I was reminded of my own darkroom practice, 
my desire to make images that move, confuse, and connect with people.
I cried a few times viewing the work.
Not only remembering my own days gone by, 
but seeing this brilliant artist disappear before my eyes in his self portraits.
Mortality and disease

We ate a lot on our day out and away, 
I even indulged in some vegan "junk food"
eating a mac n cheeze pizza!
it did have broccoli on it, in my defense

The following day was spent on site with a project I am the photographer for.
We were out in the hills and outside all day.
I almost stepped on a snake
picture of snake "walking away" from me and my foot

I have since been editing and distracted until I am floating.
I will work on art for the next few days. The Barren has been working way too many hours, both at work and working at home. He is stressed and it appears that tickets we had to secure almost three months ago will go unused for another weekend getaway, as his work clients are a big drama queen.

With his extended hours and my desire to maintain a studio practice and my second job schedule and early yoga classes, we are now not often able to spend time together until the best.
Our schedules are almost opposite of one another.

I got a text from him this morning:
" at work...feeling a bit sad and lonely. : (
hope you are doing OK"

I was nearby and offered to swing by for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle,
but he was in between meetings and couldn't break away, even for a moment.

I am thankful that we still check in with each other.
Relationships take work, everyday.
I never take that for granted, and neither does he.
I make dinner every night for us, making sure that there is always a homemade meal 
at the end of a pressure ridden day. 
Something made with care.
We see each other at this time and shortly there after I am off to bed 
and he is still too wound up to sleep.
So we meet on the weekends.

My relationships super sucks right now, 
but I an hopeful and know that many aspects are temporary. 

Saturday, March 26, 2016

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...
I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

Friday, March 18, 2016

Dreams have returned

So it appears that my pregnancy dreams have returned.
I awoke last week shaken to the core from a dream about our 
baby's spirit being taken by something evil.
I was conflicted in the dream by wanting it to be born so I could hold it, 
protecting it from evil
Protection won out in the end!
I told The Barren and he told me that a pure soul can not be 
taken by evil, as it would have to recognize it as evil to begin with.
or something like that...I had tears in m ears as I laid in bed in the dark of the morning.

I then had another dream that I was heavily pregnant and trying to simply move about.

I am not sure why these dreams have returned.
Why I need to re-live them AGAIN

I am seeking that answer
I am stuck in a creative rut as well...
and maybe they are connected.
Maybe I am really pregnant with ideas but afraid to make them appear.

I'll go with that for now.
It is less sad

Sunday, March 06, 2016


I am not sure if I had anything to do with it....
but The Earl mentioned that my niece and nephew 
will most likely be getting the Gardasil vaccine.

I feel like I've survived through the battle of logic.
I would like to think, that all the information that I passed along to him from 
SOOOOOO many sources was of help.

I don't need credit for it...
Honestly...all that really matters is that
 my dear nieces and nephew are going to be protected.
I can sleep better with that knowledge.

Thank you for your kind words and help....
I knew I could count on you sisters!

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.
My heart started racing....
He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their niece!
She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 
but inside I am SCREAMING! 
and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 
I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.
All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from
 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 
and being someone who had more than one cancer scare
knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer
I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections
from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 
as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 
thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 
but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.
Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do
How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews
without getting slapped?
Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?
Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

How can I help?

Monday, February 15, 2016

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 
Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.
My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.
I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.
The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.
 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 
I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.
He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)
 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.
We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.
His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 
and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.
We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 
When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...
I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...
he is blowing me off
he "forgot"
his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.
Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.
When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.
I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."
He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.
(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).
We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)
He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.
 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.
In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.
The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 
but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.
I even designed a new name logo....
I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!
I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.
Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...
I have taken back control over me again.
I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....
I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  
The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.
Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha
When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 
I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.
We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...
at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.
I can do all these things!

Thursday, January 28, 2016

I have to remind myself

physical memories
So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!
I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.
I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.
 this is what I came up with:

be more present
be more honest & true
use kinder words in self talk
go to yoga as often as I can afford
stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations
read more books
embrace your laughter
paint your nails
learn to braid-for real
keep letting go
stop apologizing for nothing
make new friends/situations
do less home chores-you get lost in them
draw more
write more
be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;
and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.
I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 
I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.
Those seemed easy.
Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.
I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.
I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.
Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.
I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 
they were on a bucket list many moons ago.
That too has faded into the past.
both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.
I have to remind myself of that.