Thursday, January 28, 2016

I have to remind myself

physical memories
So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!
I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.
I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.
 this is what I came up with:

be more present
be more honest & true
use kinder words in self talk
go to yoga as often as I can afford
stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations
read more books
embrace your laughter
paint your nails
learn to braid-for real
keep letting go
stop apologizing for nothing
make new friends/situations
do less home chores-you get lost in them
draw more
write more
be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;
and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.
I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 
I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.
Those seemed easy.
Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.
I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.
I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.
Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.
I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 
they were on a bucket list many moons ago.
That too has faded into the past.
both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.
I have to remind myself of that.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Keep on going

I saw this today and it reminded me that I need to post something soon....
so here is a place marker

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.
In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 
I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.
In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...
maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.
In petty arguments
in petty goals (no this has to go here....)
 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.
I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better
or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...
My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 
I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"
Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema ChödrönWhen Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth

Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all

Monday, December 14, 2015

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 
and simply a woman without children. 
Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 
Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.
I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.
The pain is no longer raw
The pain only appears in small short moments.
I am no longer consumed by the monster
The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me
at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 
and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 
and fall into the cold murky pond.
But it was real, I really did it.
A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.
I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.
I smiled
 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 
life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.
I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud
but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,
social commitments and events.
Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.
In fact, totally unfazed.
I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....
not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 
and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.
it was sublime and sweet and 
The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.
The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.
We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 
and all that we can still be.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 
I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city
I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.
I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away
I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 
nostalgia of the city of light
Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt
I could imagine
I mourned a stranger
I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply
living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls
I am those boys
I am those children

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Friday, November 13, 2015

The tides have turned

If Buzzfeed can post this
I know the world has begun to shift...
someday soon, there will be no more shame!


This resonated so deeply in me

“I lost a baby at the end of May. I was just a little over two months into the pregnancy. I wasn’t showing or anything. And I hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. So I don’t think that the baby seemed real to anyone else. But it was real to me. Every time I passed a children’s store, I’d look in the window and smile. I began to look closely at all the different types of strollers people were pushing down the street. I bought a little monkey for the baby that I carried around with me. I started planning our life together. Then one day it felt like someone was stabbing me in the lower abs. I went to the doctor, and they told me that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy, and the baby was lost. I felt really alone afterward because most of my friends hadn’t even known the baby existed. They couldn't understand how I felt. Part of it was my fault. I didn’t want to talk about it. Yet I still expected everyone to understand."

Story and Photo via Humans of New York